Cocklaphobia files

Over the last year, we have averaged four posts per month on our blog; all during a time of tremendous movement and activity: you were in the midst of finalizing a divorce, getting engaged, buying a home, taking trips outside of the country, working two jobs, and I was managing family life for our family of five as I drowned in school work in an effort to finish my Bachelor's degree. Then 2011 comes around and life seems simplified: you have finalized your divorce, settled into your home, quite your stressful day job, and have a group of fantastic people who have taken on the burden of planning (and paying for) your wedding, and I have been frolicking in my madness over the pure joy of being done with school.
So someone please explain to me why, then, is it May 2011, and we have yet to post once on this blog? (And breaking the New Year Cherry doesn't count.)

I am so baffled and concerned by this, that I have taken it upon myself to do the right thing and use this opportunity blog about something very important to me: the issue of the English hat.
I think you know how I feel about this regrettable cultural British phenomenon, and I have yet to see how anyone could possibly explain it to me enough to make sense.
The concept of high art as fashion is an acceptable one, if only it weren't for the fact that even old British women (including the Queen) wear ridiculous head paraphernalia.
(I think I just I called the Queen an old British woman. I hope this is not terribly insulting...to other old British women out there.)

And I acknowledge that my bafflement over this bizarrity may be falling on deaf ears. You have been known to have a peculiar fetish with head ornaments that occasionally push the boundaries of my tolerance. However, you are broke enough to not make it a habit of buying these items, for which I am grateful.

Coincidentally, you may or may not have seen that there was a little British wedding that happened last week. For days I was, and occasionally, continue to be, tormented by the photos of many of the guests.
Suddenly, I was hit with an overwhelming sense of panic as my mind flashed forward to the British wedding that we will be attending in August. I have the sudden urge to beg you to tell me that it isn't true - that the guests at your wedding won't be wearing anything that looks like the following:

 



And if you dare ridicule my phobia of British headgear (I refuse to call them hats), I challenge you with the following test:

From the following pictures, please select the "headgear" that was actually worn to a British public event:

A. 

B. 

C. 

D. 

E. 

 OR                                        F. All of the above.

If you have guessed F, you are correct. It would also be correct to be terrified by the natural state of the woman's face in picture E. (I believe her name is Princess Beatrice.) Do you think it's possible that she is related to our own American royalty, Lady Gaga?

It looks quite possible. 

Although, after seeing all of the photos above, I am convinced most anything is possible in England. 

Long story short: if you put a hat on me, I'll kill you.