The Top 10 things about time and space that most people seem to forget…

10. You chose to be here and you knew what you were doing.

9. There are no “tests” and you’re not being judged.

8. Everyone’s doing their best, with what they know.

7. You already have whatever you’re looking for.

6. You are of the Divine, pure God, and so is everyone else.

5. Religion needs spirituality; spirituality does not need religion. 
4. You’re naturally inclined to succeed - at everything you do.

3. You happen to life, life does not happen to you.

2. Order, healing, and love belie every moment of chaos, pain, and fear.

1. Following your heart is the best way to help others.

These truths shall set you free,

—    The Universe

I hate Paul. He has shown no remorse and is unfathomably stubborn. Inconsiderate to the nth degree.

I'm so angry and frustrated I cannot sleep. Not I am frustrated because I can't sleep. Between work drama, ex-husband drama, and these deep scarring wounds of losing my best friend, I feel a bit overwhelmed. I'm trying to meditate over it. And honestly the only thing that has been slightly helping as I lay here is picturing my runs and retracing them, critiquing them, and psyching myself up for the next one. But, little snippets start seeping in and it's gone. Back, lush, green-wooded roads fade into black and red, energy-sapping visions of angst and despair.
No ones fault but my own. I know. I can only be bothered by the things I let bother me. I've come to a bitter acceptance of some things, yet I still find myself amidst many battles within and without.
So applicable to my work and ex issues:

Close enough to start a war,
All that I have is on the floor,
God only knows what we're fighting for,
All that I say, you always say more,

I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe,

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
To turning tables,

Under honest guise I see, ooh,
Where love is lost, your ghost is found,
I braved a hundred storms to leave you,
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down,
I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe,

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I can't give you what you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
Turning tables,

Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
When the thunder calls for me,
Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
Standing on my own two feet,

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I can't give you what you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
To turning tables,
Turning tables, yeah,
Turning, oh.

Lame attempts at explanations and apologies

I think maybe I must be going for breaking the record of most posts made complaining about complaining...
Clearly, right?
I'm sorry I am a crap friend.
I'm sorry that I'm not as involved as I should be.
But in truth, I'm not as involved in anything as I should be.
I'm busy and overwhelmed, every step of the way. My world revolves around money and ideas and work and obligations and guilt. Lots of guilt. About everything.
Things started to change in August I guess. I felt to be in an awkward position. My best friends spend loads of money to come out and spend their time with me and meet my future husband and good friends and they didn't necessarily hit it off with my fiance. I was used to it with Paul. No one liked Paul and Paul liked no one. Easy enough. But with Guy, everyone likes Guy to begin with. He is generous and likes to show people around his city. He was used to being the dutiful tour guide. But David isn't the type to need such things as he is a human GoogleMaps. That caused some tension. Then when you guys met the Woodleys, I knew you would all get along, I just didn't realize it was going to be so well that I would be slowly whittled out of the equation. I know you're thinking that that's not what happened or is happening, but I can tell you that that is how it feels. Intentional or Unintentional, it is there. And it is heavy. I'm living this life as a full time working single mother. I don't have the freedoms that others do and when I do get my breaks I try to use them for things that I can't get done and keeping up with Ping and Facebook messages and posts are just consuming. I post a lot through instagram because I fill my sleepless nights doing my crafty things. And it is considerably easier to post pictures than articulate.
I've been wallowing in some dark days these last few weeks. I've been pulling and clawing my way out, slowly. I'm sorry I can't see past my own walls to be supportive to you as a friend should be. And although it is a lame defense, I do have to say I've never felt I was the one you'd go to if you were having troubles. You're tight-knit with the women in your family (i.e. Aunt Kelly and your Mom.)
I miss you. I miss you so much I tear up at the thought, and most days I actually full on cry, and about every 3-4 days, yes, I actually sob.
My days aren't completely blackened, I do have nice sunny ones. Having those days makes me feel like no one would believe me that I could still be stressed and depressed. Oh look at Jenny, she's posting pretty pictures, and look she's smiling and looks like she's having a great time with friends. She has no reason to be so absent...
Bernie sent me a Ping message the other day after I sent one checking in on her and Dan and Maya, and the dogs. :) She sent one back saying everyone is fine, and then asked "Do you have a problem with me and Dan and David and Crystal being friends?" I didn't know how to respond. I was so hurt and disappointed. Of course I don't have a problem with you guys being friends, I love you guys and love that for the first time I have friends that actually like each other! I just don't care for feeling like I've been passed over. I'm envious of the genuine, fun-loving nature of your friendship, and wish desperately that I could be just as involved, but its not in my cards, not right now. I work my 40 hours a week, and have the girls, and have Ali's dance class, and local relations to keep up with, and even that I'm not good at. I am alone in this, and still can't make my own decisions. I have the fear of losing a substantial percentage of my income and am pinned by the person who has done those most damage in my life. I'm still having to play nice. They say you can get further with honey than vinegar and this theory seems to work as slowly as honey flows in January.
I know this is nothing anyone hasn't heard me whine about before, but it never goes away for me. And I know that everyone has their own life to lead, and that is why I try not to interfere and never proclaim on mountain tops that no one cares about me. I get it. You get what you give, and since I can't give much of myself to anyone, how could I justifiably expect anything more in return?
You are doing much of this life on your own as well, please don't think that I don't see, understand, or respect that. I see David logging his runs all over the U.S. while you sit at home plugging away for your Master's and raise your family. I respect and admire your position, hardships big or small.
I can never explain to you how guilty I feel every phone conversation we have, that it is always about my issues. I ask about what's going on, but it always somehow ends up back on me and I feel inadequate, so I've given you the space, not because I don't care, but because I do. My issues are heavy and redundant and bring nothing to enhance or enrich our friendship, so why leech it out on to you?
I won't lie. I've had a hard time restraining myself from texting or calling, and in part I am constantly wondering if you've even noticed. Nor will I lie about myself noticing that there hasn't been much inquiry of my whereabouts, which I've just selfishly chocked up to being for reasons such as you are busy and/or feel indifferent towards me because I've offended you.
I hate this space between us. I feel like we've broken up.
I am sorry, for everything and anything. I miss you more than you can imagine, but I am stubborn and self-deprecating and will wait for your attentions and affections as a sign that you care for me as much as I care for you. Hypocritical, yes I know. I can't help it. I feel like the silence between us has gone on so long now that I fear the first sign of contact. I'm afraid that you're mad at me and hurt by me. I am hurt and I wish you were here, physically here to fix me, because all I've done is hurt myself and my best friend when I've once again needed her most.
Please forgive me and please acknowledge me. I have no explanation for any of this other than I'm a lost cause.

Bend Before It Breaks - Brandi Carlile

Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat
Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed.

But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

I'm all right. Don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars?
Don't I wear them on my sleeve?
When you're looking for a crossroads,
It happens every day
And whichever way you turn,
I'm gonna turn the other way

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Learn to let it bend before it breaks

Say it's over say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

Eyes Wide Open - Gotye

With our eyes wide open, we...
With our eyes wide open, we...

So this is the end of the story,
Everything we had, everything we did,
Is buried in dust,
And this dust is all that's left of us.
But only a few ever worried.

Well the signs were clear, they had no idea.
You just get used to living in fear,
Or give up when you can't even picture your future.

We walk the plank with our eyes wide open.

We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...)
Yeah, we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open.)

Some people offered up answers.
We made out like we heard, they were only words.
They didn't add up to a change in the way we were living,
And the saddest thing is all of it could have been avoided.

But it was like to stop consuming's to stop being human,
And why would I make a change if you won't?
We're all in the same boat, staying afloat for the moment.

We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...)
Yeah we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open.)
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open,
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open,
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...

With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.
With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.
With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.

That was the end of the story.

The up side down side of dreams

I'm breaking I'm crumbling I'm falling I'm tumbling I'm winning this losing battle
I'm stretching I'm tearing I'm fearing I'm caring too much for these careless fools
The dead grass is always greener
My hopes forever leaner
This I've found is the up side down side of dreams
I'm aching I'm drowing I'm taking my bow and I'm exiting through the floor
where I lay in my tears and my rose colored years of disillusioned delusions of more
You've made me You broke me You're leaving me choking in clouds of tumultuous despair
I'm building I'm cracking these demons I'm tackling I cannot afford to lose
The dead grass is always greener
My hopes forever leaner
This I've found is the up side down side of dreams
My branches are snapping my petals overlapping my stems are dry and bound
I'll stay in my pot and relieve all you lot of your sense of duty and loyalty
Someday my sun will shine and this oyster will be mine and be sure
I'll pay you in kind
For the dead grass is always greener
My hopes forever leaner
This I've found is the up side down side of dreams

So...

we suck. :)
Last post September 9, 2011?? Really? We're how many months in to the Mayan year of Apocolypse?? And not one blog from either one of us? Maybe we should have less conversations and text messages going back and forth...

 Anywho, I miss you, as always. I've lost my way in life I think. I'm so consumed by my wishes of a grander life that I just can't get my shit together to focus on the here and now! I've given up on running and working out. I actually went an entire week, maybe even longer, shuddering at just the thought of running. Granted, there are many factors working against me: Lack of time and availability, weather, gas, mileage, motivation, sunlight, schedules, etc. But I know this part of my depression is cyclical. I run I feel good, I stop I feel bad and don't want to run...thus it begins. Fix me! Give me loads of money and free time, give me plastic surgery and access. Give me focus, give me drugs!!! Lol, I don't know what it is, I don't know what the answer or solution is other than yeah yeah yeah buckle down, work harder, do what you can with what you have and stop scoping out the greener grass, it'll only make you greener with envy. I know, I get it. I just want what I've always wanted, since I was 3? 4 years old?
Give me everything in every color. I've waited 25 years, isn't that long enough? ;)

Virtual Hug

This in response to your last post. It's to remind you that even when you're in a rough place, you've got friends who love you, support you, and want the best for you.
(And if I had all their pictures, I'd post them here, too! :)

Letter to Guy

I'm so pleased to hear London is up in arms about us visiting next week. How nice of everyone to trash the place before we arrive. It's difficult to tell whether the American media is sensationalizing the events that are occuring over there, though I know our media would never do that. Still, with headlines that scream "London Descends into Anarchy" and images of charred and burning car corpses, I admit it does give one pause. People (perhaps British citizens themselves) have said that hooliganism is a pastime of the British underclass, and they're from Tottenham, so what do you expect. Somebody else said Tottenham looked like crap before the riots, so no great loss there. The cynicism is lost on me, though I relish snarkiness for the acerbic writer that I am.

At the very least, I thought it wouldn't hurt to go straight to the source ask you a couple questions: (you know I like to ask questions):
A. Where, exactly, are these events taking place? Are they concentrated in just one area or are there pockets of violence and unrest?
B. Do you think things will settle by next week and will we be able to do and see all the touristy stuff while we're there?

Beyond my obvious self centered concerns, I do rather hope you're not dragged into any skirmishes while we're there. Scanning online, I thought to include a picture here of what you're up against.
I mean, look at them! ugh.

I think this calls for the deployment of England's secret weapon.

It's no secret, we all know you have one.

I just hope he's potty trained.

Off on vacation, you've left me to my own devices!

Besides, I'm Team Jacob.

I know I've been vacant...

But maybe i'm still just trying to get over the trauma of finding this on my sundae...

A Note Before You Go

I knew you were going to be in for a good time when I read this quote from Nobel Prize winner Enrico Fermi, who was asked if he believed in extraterrestrials. His reply:

"They are among us, but they call themselves Hungarians"

Pay no attention to the young boy before you, or the multitude of shaggy horned men that follow him. 

They dress this way in an attempt to scare off winter, and let me tell you:

 if I was winter I'd quickly change my name to spring.

The young men in southern Hungary march around the streets making "frightening noises" using wooden rattles, bag pipes, and drums. But, whatever frightening noise they make can't nearly be as awesome as the face on their masks.

Charming.

Chasing the young women of the village, whose job it is to flirt back, they end this spectacle of a festival with a bonfire on the second day, which surely can't come soon enough.

My trepidation was alleviated by the photos of your hotel. Surely, no horned shaggy men would try to molest you in a palace as celestial and grand as the one you showed me. 

And then I found BudapestMadness.com. 

Have you seen this site?? What in the Sam Hill is going on here?

Let me just say that apparently, the British men find Hungary to be the perfect little hot spot to have their Stag Do's. With packages titled, "Girls, Cars, Beer, Spa" or "Flat, Guns, Girls, Beer" or even the catchier, more enticing package of "Girls, Girls, Girls, Beer" - I am inclined to believe there is more to Budapest than what meets the royal eye.

Just take a look at poor Matt, who had a Facebook profile devoted to his 2008 bachelor party in Budapest.

I sincerely question the idea of what his friends believe the term "friendship" means.

And, may I point out, that this was taken in the MORNING.

Perhaps I rush to conclusions. Perhaps this is no poor reflection of the city itself, but rather, the concept of what a Bachelor party means to British men. 

And that is definitely a topic to be dealt with in another post.

In the meantime, Au Revoir, my dear.

Or "Búcsú" (as they say in Hungarian), and good luck!

Nice shoes.

And before you jump to any conclusions...

she was the HOSTESS, okay?

Also, I wish he would have taken his glasses off. 

They're distracting.

This weekend we:

Went to Old Town,

Ordered vegetarian pizza

Can you believe Emma ordered a Spinach Mozarella Quesadilla? 

My baby is growing up. (Sniff)

Went to park

Played with snails

Practiced Zen Tangling

Hung out with Trouble!

Went to Los Angeles and did what any good Angelino would do...

Attended a Dodger's game.

A nice weekend to kick off summer vacation.

I AM NOT ALONE!

I just had to share this with you, as often, I feel you think of me as mildly retarded for some of the things that I do.

This PROVES that:
A. I am not mentally retarded OR
B. That America is filled with retards like me.

I'm not sure that the second option is very comforting, but it's better than the first option not being true.

The following is taken from my favorite blogspot blogger, written by Jana Matthews.
AKA "The Meanest Mom" (Click on link below to go to her original post)

The Walk of Shame

"Last week, we checked out 12 books at the library, which is 12 more than we should have checked out.

I know better. Over the past six months, 2 DVDS and a Babysitter's Club novel haven't made it out of our house alive. After our last mishap, I swore that I would never step foot in the public library again.

But then school let out for the summer and my morals fell by the wayside.

"My name should be up there," I told my brood while we waited in line at the circulation desk. I pointed to a gold plaque listing the names of the library's biggest donors.

Kellen was carrying the corpse of our latest victim in a plastic shopping bag. Exactly what happened to the book is certain; by the time I found him, its body was barely recognizable.

"Cameron dropped it into bathtub!" my daughter screeched.

"I saw him throw it in!" added Cortlen.

Clearly several people witnessed the assault, yet it didn't occur to anyone to try to do anything about it.

"What could we have done?" Cortlen asked incredulously as he covered his hands with his mouth to stifle the grin.

"You could fish the book out of the water," I suggested.

[insert blank stare]

While at least one of my kids would like me to believe that he isn't playing with a full deck, the second witness was smart enough, however, to realize that time was of an essence. She knew that the book wasn't going to last long before it turned into a pulpy mush. That's why she screamed at the top of their lungs for the third to join them.

I found everyone in the bathroom, giggling hysterically.

"You think that's funny?" I asked.

Twenty-four hours later, I had to make the walk of shame. I timed my library visit so that it would coincide with the lunch break of the Children's Librarian.

"Ooooooooh!" The librarian on duty almost fainted when she saw the book. She spent the next few minutes looking like she was mourning the loss of a close relative.

It was almost too much to take.

"What do I owe you today?" I asked, pulling out my wallet. Most libraries let you buy the exact same book on Amazon and pay a small replacement processing fee. This library makes you give them half of your liver.

The librarian was willing to give me a number (which wasn't as bad as I thought), but only after she showed the deceased to all of her co-workers.

All I needed was a scarlet "A" pinned to my breast.

The only consolation in all this was that while the librarian was showing off my latest example of bad parenting, my toddler was using his fingers to make irrigation holes in a large potted plant in the lobby. Usually I would have grabbed him, but for some reason, I didn't have a lot of motivation. By the time the librarian and I were finished settling up, the ruined book was put in perspective." ~ Jana Matthews

Nothing says I miss you like Spinach Artichoke Pasta

One of the things I hate most about living on opposite sides of the country is that you aren't in my kitchen.
This is where I like you to be; this is where you belong.
You always know what seasoning should go on top of my meat or which pasta and vegetable would make the perfect side dish - which you will promptly be able to make without a recipe.
Consequently, I am very lonely in my kitchen. And in my world, loneliness breeds boredom.
And when I get bored, I get restless.
And when I get restless, you should probably watch out.
Which is why, last night, I decided to make my first attempt at producing a Food-Blog-worthy entry.
This was nothing short of embarrassing and disastrous.
How do all these people make such beautiful dishes?
I shall tell you!
EXPENSIVE CAMERAS.
And an eye for dish presentation doesn't hurt...

I mean, let's be honest - that doesn't look remotely appetizing!

Especially when you compare it to this:

Which would you rather eat?

(You don't have to answer that).

And when I photograph my Spinach Artichoke Pasta,

THIS -----------> 

doesn't even come close to  

THIS-------------->

I've had a long day, and I've lost my wit.

I think the point was, Spinach, Artichoke, and Pasta aside - 

I wish you were here.

No Comment

WHAT?

                                                       She started it!

But failure never tasted so good!

So I'm always pushing the creative boundaries of what David will tolerate from me. Earlier this week we had an interesting run that I was hoping I would be able to put together in a visually new format. Unfortunately, as of yet, I am unable to produce the work I had intended, as the file format is incompatible with the program I was trying to use. There may be a way around that, but this week has been so busy that I haven't had a chance to play around with it. Keeping my fingers crossed.

This last week and a half has been an utter failure for David and I. A combination of poor weather, the demands of Navy Recruiting, and a week of Cub Scout meetings (we are both volunteering for this summer's Cub Scout Day Camp), volleyball games and practice (of which David and I are both coaches), orthodontist appointments, band concerts, and my sister's graduation - we fell hard from our running routine. Not only that, but we haven't been watching what we're eating. With a Chinese Buffet dinner of rice, sushi, dumplings, beef, and sesame chicken (to name a few items), and a rich IHOP brunch of Spinach, Mushroom, Tomato Omelet with a side of stuffed Cinnamon-Raisin French Toast filled with sweet, smooth cream-cheese and topped with strawberries and cream under our belt, who could blame us for not being able to resist this decadent temptation after the unrelenting schedule and stress of this last week?

Mmmm!

Consequently, and perhaps not so surprisingly, both David and I have each gained 4lbs in less than 10 days.
To be honest, I was a more than a little bit shocked.
Not that I wasn't expecting to see a difference on the scale.
But 4lbs?
I wasn't prepared to see that at all.
And let me just say that the pictures of your gorgeous new frame are doing nothing to alleviate my guilt over having failed so miserably this last week! LOL
That being said, I'm jumping back on the band wagon. It feels awful to fall so hard...and so fast!
I know you are familiar with the struggles of eating temptations and dealing with the disappointment that comes with letting yourself down.
Hopefully, within these next two weeks, I can recover the ground I lost and push myself harder to make even bigger gains.
Summer is coming, and with it, the urge to sleep in and lounge at the beach.
I'm hoping you can help me stay on top of things.
Posting your running time today, I realized, was a good way to challenge myself to see if I could meet or beat your time. So that's where I'm going to start.

I was a good girl for lunch today.
Even though Sophia begs me for macaroni and cheese most days, and most days I eat it with her,
I resisted the temptation to eat a crap lunch.

Chick-pea Tomato Salad with Feta, Basil, & Mint

 It's sinful how easy it was to prepare this lunch, and heavenly how healthy it was and good it tasted.
Here's the Chick-Pea Tomato Salad Recipe in case you want to try it.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:)

We all fall off the wagon sometimes. This time it was my turn.
Time to jump back on and take this pony for a ride.
Yeehaw!

Finally

Lots of (the same looking) pictures of my butt. :}

Why we run hills...

...well, you were going to see why, but this stupid blog site is having issues loading my pictures.
Hmph, again.