The Top 10 things about time and space that most people seem to forget…

10. You chose to be here and you knew what you were doing.

9. There are no “tests” and you’re not being judged.

8. Everyone’s doing their best, with what they know.

7. You already have whatever you’re looking for.

6. You are of the Divine, pure God, and so is everyone else.

5. Religion needs spirituality; spirituality does not need religion. 
4. You’re naturally inclined to succeed - at everything you do.

3. You happen to life, life does not happen to you.

2. Order, healing, and love belie every moment of chaos, pain, and fear.

1. Following your heart is the best way to help others.

These truths shall set you free,

—    The Universe

I hate Paul. He has shown no remorse and is unfathomably stubborn. Inconsiderate to the nth degree.

I'm so angry and frustrated I cannot sleep. Not I am frustrated because I can't sleep. Between work drama, ex-husband drama, and these deep scarring wounds of losing my best friend, I feel a bit overwhelmed. I'm trying to meditate over it. And honestly the only thing that has been slightly helping as I lay here is picturing my runs and retracing them, critiquing them, and psyching myself up for the next one. But, little snippets start seeping in and it's gone. Back, lush, green-wooded roads fade into black and red, energy-sapping visions of angst and despair.
No ones fault but my own. I know. I can only be bothered by the things I let bother me. I've come to a bitter acceptance of some things, yet I still find myself amidst many battles within and without.
So applicable to my work and ex issues:

Close enough to start a war,
All that I have is on the floor,
God only knows what we're fighting for,
All that I say, you always say more,

I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe,

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
To turning tables,

Under honest guise I see, ooh,
Where love is lost, your ghost is found,
I braved a hundred storms to leave you,
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down,
I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe,

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I can't give you what you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
Turning tables,

Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
When the thunder calls for me,
Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
Standing on my own two feet,

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I can't give you what you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
To turning tables,
Turning tables, yeah,
Turning, oh.

Lame attempts at explanations and apologies

I think maybe I must be going for breaking the record of most posts made complaining about complaining...
Clearly, right?
I'm sorry I am a crap friend.
I'm sorry that I'm not as involved as I should be.
But in truth, I'm not as involved in anything as I should be.
I'm busy and overwhelmed, every step of the way. My world revolves around money and ideas and work and obligations and guilt. Lots of guilt. About everything.
Things started to change in August I guess. I felt to be in an awkward position. My best friends spend loads of money to come out and spend their time with me and meet my future husband and good friends and they didn't necessarily hit it off with my fiance. I was used to it with Paul. No one liked Paul and Paul liked no one. Easy enough. But with Guy, everyone likes Guy to begin with. He is generous and likes to show people around his city. He was used to being the dutiful tour guide. But David isn't the type to need such things as he is a human GoogleMaps. That caused some tension. Then when you guys met the Woodleys, I knew you would all get along, I just didn't realize it was going to be so well that I would be slowly whittled out of the equation. I know you're thinking that that's not what happened or is happening, but I can tell you that that is how it feels. Intentional or Unintentional, it is there. And it is heavy. I'm living this life as a full time working single mother. I don't have the freedoms that others do and when I do get my breaks I try to use them for things that I can't get done and keeping up with Ping and Facebook messages and posts are just consuming. I post a lot through instagram because I fill my sleepless nights doing my crafty things. And it is considerably easier to post pictures than articulate.
I've been wallowing in some dark days these last few weeks. I've been pulling and clawing my way out, slowly. I'm sorry I can't see past my own walls to be supportive to you as a friend should be. And although it is a lame defense, I do have to say I've never felt I was the one you'd go to if you were having troubles. You're tight-knit with the women in your family (i.e. Aunt Kelly and your Mom.)
I miss you. I miss you so much I tear up at the thought, and most days I actually full on cry, and about every 3-4 days, yes, I actually sob.
My days aren't completely blackened, I do have nice sunny ones. Having those days makes me feel like no one would believe me that I could still be stressed and depressed. Oh look at Jenny, she's posting pretty pictures, and look she's smiling and looks like she's having a great time with friends. She has no reason to be so absent...
Bernie sent me a Ping message the other day after I sent one checking in on her and Dan and Maya, and the dogs. :) She sent one back saying everyone is fine, and then asked "Do you have a problem with me and Dan and David and Crystal being friends?" I didn't know how to respond. I was so hurt and disappointed. Of course I don't have a problem with you guys being friends, I love you guys and love that for the first time I have friends that actually like each other! I just don't care for feeling like I've been passed over. I'm envious of the genuine, fun-loving nature of your friendship, and wish desperately that I could be just as involved, but its not in my cards, not right now. I work my 40 hours a week, and have the girls, and have Ali's dance class, and local relations to keep up with, and even that I'm not good at. I am alone in this, and still can't make my own decisions. I have the fear of losing a substantial percentage of my income and am pinned by the person who has done those most damage in my life. I'm still having to play nice. They say you can get further with honey than vinegar and this theory seems to work as slowly as honey flows in January.
I know this is nothing anyone hasn't heard me whine about before, but it never goes away for me. And I know that everyone has their own life to lead, and that is why I try not to interfere and never proclaim on mountain tops that no one cares about me. I get it. You get what you give, and since I can't give much of myself to anyone, how could I justifiably expect anything more in return?
You are doing much of this life on your own as well, please don't think that I don't see, understand, or respect that. I see David logging his runs all over the U.S. while you sit at home plugging away for your Master's and raise your family. I respect and admire your position, hardships big or small.
I can never explain to you how guilty I feel every phone conversation we have, that it is always about my issues. I ask about what's going on, but it always somehow ends up back on me and I feel inadequate, so I've given you the space, not because I don't care, but because I do. My issues are heavy and redundant and bring nothing to enhance or enrich our friendship, so why leech it out on to you?
I won't lie. I've had a hard time restraining myself from texting or calling, and in part I am constantly wondering if you've even noticed. Nor will I lie about myself noticing that there hasn't been much inquiry of my whereabouts, which I've just selfishly chocked up to being for reasons such as you are busy and/or feel indifferent towards me because I've offended you.
I hate this space between us. I feel like we've broken up.
I am sorry, for everything and anything. I miss you more than you can imagine, but I am stubborn and self-deprecating and will wait for your attentions and affections as a sign that you care for me as much as I care for you. Hypocritical, yes I know. I can't help it. I feel like the silence between us has gone on so long now that I fear the first sign of contact. I'm afraid that you're mad at me and hurt by me. I am hurt and I wish you were here, physically here to fix me, because all I've done is hurt myself and my best friend when I've once again needed her most.
Please forgive me and please acknowledge me. I have no explanation for any of this other than I'm a lost cause.

Bend Before It Breaks - Brandi Carlile

Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat
Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed.

But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

I'm all right. Don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars?
Don't I wear them on my sleeve?
When you're looking for a crossroads,
It happens every day
And whichever way you turn,
I'm gonna turn the other way

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Learn to let it bend before it breaks

Say it's over say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

Eyes Wide Open - Gotye

With our eyes wide open, we...
With our eyes wide open, we...

So this is the end of the story,
Everything we had, everything we did,
Is buried in dust,
And this dust is all that's left of us.
But only a few ever worried.

Well the signs were clear, they had no idea.
You just get used to living in fear,
Or give up when you can't even picture your future.

We walk the plank with our eyes wide open.

We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...)
Yeah, we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open.)

Some people offered up answers.
We made out like we heard, they were only words.
They didn't add up to a change in the way we were living,
And the saddest thing is all of it could have been avoided.

But it was like to stop consuming's to stop being human,
And why would I make a change if you won't?
We're all in the same boat, staying afloat for the moment.

We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...)
Yeah we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open.)
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open,
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open,
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we...

With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.
With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.
With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.

That was the end of the story.

The up side down side of dreams

I'm breaking I'm crumbling I'm falling I'm tumbling I'm winning this losing battle
I'm stretching I'm tearing I'm fearing I'm caring too much for these careless fools
The dead grass is always greener
My hopes forever leaner
This I've found is the up side down side of dreams
I'm aching I'm drowing I'm taking my bow and I'm exiting through the floor
where I lay in my tears and my rose colored years of disillusioned delusions of more
You've made me You broke me You're leaving me choking in clouds of tumultuous despair
I'm building I'm cracking these demons I'm tackling I cannot afford to lose
The dead grass is always greener
My hopes forever leaner
This I've found is the up side down side of dreams
My branches are snapping my petals overlapping my stems are dry and bound
I'll stay in my pot and relieve all you lot of your sense of duty and loyalty
Someday my sun will shine and this oyster will be mine and be sure
I'll pay you in kind
For the dead grass is always greener
My hopes forever leaner
This I've found is the up side down side of dreams